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Mother’s Day is Not for the Faint of Heart

Ah, Mother’s Day…a day where Mom is treated like a queen, given gifts and delicious food, everything goes as planned, and the children are little angels….and then there’s reality. Here’s how Mother’s Day went around here (note the positives sprinkled in ).

Daddy and the kids watch Shrek 3 and eat cereal on the living room floor so Mommy can sleep in. (this is the first positive) Even before the first cup of coffee, the children bombard Mommy with candy, balloons, special drawings (Mommy with a zillion sharp teeth!), and Mommy’s restocked toolbox. Somehow Mommy’s tools seem to grow legs and walk away, so this was a good gift.

Mommy gets a rare morning shower and even shaves her legs (only one cut, and one missed patch!). Meanwhile, the children try to snuggle with Daddy on the giant beanbag but end up fighting.

Mommy makes herself some breakfast, and feeds most of it to the hungry little nestlings that mysteriously appear out of nowhere. Daddy takes over the kitchen to prepare homegrown pork ribs for the grill while Mommy stands at the ready with the paper towels and 409 for when he’s done. While Daddy battles the wind outside, trying to keep the bbq lit, Mommy and her little helpers make a gluten-free apple pie for later.

So far, so good.

Fast forward a few hours. The bbq will not stay lit.  NEW PLAN!

We fill two crockpots and the big roaster and hope they’re done in time for dinner. The apple pie looks pretty good, except that a certain Daddy Mouse has nibbled away all the crust. There have been bonked heads, stubbed toes, arguments and spats, poopy diapers, a temper tantrum or two, and atleast one chain-reaction bump/snag/drop/spill that resulted in part of the kitchen floor being hand-mopped.

The sweetest stepdaughter on the planet arrives, bearing gifts and flowers, to brighten the day.

A couple hours later, it is discovered that the crockpots were never plugged in.  NEW PLAN!

Change out of your jammies, kids, we’re goin’ to Chili’s! We’re surprised to find there’s no wait, but that’s good because we haven’t eaten since breakfast. Sweet!

During the meal, Mommy and Daddy TRY to have a conversation, but one child repeatedly falls off the seat, another child learns how to cross his eyes (he’s been practicing), a third child throws up (luckily not on the people in the next booth), the baby fusses the whole time, and we all get glutened because Mommy just does not want to deal with special orders.

As Mommy is catching vomit in one hand, holding the baby’s bottle with the other hand, trying to avoid knocking over drinks with her elbows, and looking longingly at her fast-cooling fajitas.  Daddy astutely observes, “Being a mom is a full-time job – even Mother’s Day isn’t really a day off.”

On the way home the children fuss, fight, and invent new hitting games. Mommy and Daddy are still trying to have that conversation.

As we enter the house, ready for a relaxing evening, Daddy says, “Hmm…That’s not a good smell.” Turns out we left the oven on – the roaster was full of burnt pork. Oh, and one of the crockpots had been turned off, and was still cold. And the gate had been left open, so the dog got out. Luckily he only went as far as the garage this time.  NEW PLAN!

Daddy takes care of the burnt meat, Mommy rescues the dog, and the children commence wrestling. The baby takes another nap – right before bedtime.

The rest of the evening holds more stubbed toes, more fights, children who have to be forced to play separately, a slightly warm hot dog for the child who didn’t want his expensive dinner (but who is desperate to be part of the apple pie eating), and increasing grumpiness all around.

Finally, the pie is eaten (the child who has detested apple pie for the past few years suddenly decides it’s pretty good this time!), jammies are donned, books are read, and teeth are brushed.

But wait, there’s more!

The child who can now successfully crossed his eyes has a loose tooth and agrees to let Daddy pull it with dental floss.  NEW PLAN!

Fear and excitement mingle as the child waffles in his decision, but is committed by the long green string hanging out of his mouth.  Finally, Daddy yanks it. 

Silence…as we all listen to a tiny little tooth pinging around the bathroom. Everyone is soon on hands and knees, searching with flashlights for what must be the smallest tooth in the world, while the toothless child sobs so hard he can’t breathe.

He’s afraid that if we can’t find it, the Tooth Fairy will not come. Finally, our Hero Daddy finds the tooth, halfway down the hall. Tears are dried, children are dispersed to their beds, and an adorable note is written to the tooth fairy. Songs and prayers are finished quickly, so the Tooth Fairy can hurry up.

An exhausted Daddy goes to bed, since the work week starts in just a few hours. Mommy, with her head spinning and eyes somewhat glazed over, wonders why she keeps hearing herself say things like, “I’ll take care of the dog.” and “Don’t worry about the crockpots – I’ll take care of it.”

It’s because she’s the Mommy – she will take care of everything, while her family sleeps.

But not ‘til after a big ol’ piece of that apple pie. 

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